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sometimes i wish things could just stay the same. why do we have to say goodbye to my moms house ever. why can't it stay the same forever? so conflicted... i don't have it in me to move home and take over, or at least i don't think i do. and for the other kids. ... i doubt they do either. it's such a sad thing. to have to let go. to let go of wonderful beautiful things. to let go of a house that holds everything you've ever known. that holds so much laughter and love. people tell me that it's just a house. that my mom isn't the house, but that's what we have left of her physical being. well, besides ourselves... because we are her, she is us. but the thought of letting go of her world. all her flowers. all the cracks in the ceiling, all the marks on the walls, the wet basement, the gardens, the front porch, the front and back stairs... i know memories are with me, but that house helps me remember. i've yet to form a callus when it comes to that home. ... every time i'm there my heart opens right back up letting so much light in. that home, my sisters and brothers, and my grams, and all those kitties that lived there, and ...fuck... that's my light. that's where my light lives. ... i'm sure i'll find light someday somewhere else, but it's impossible to imagine it. i love you house.